Step Parents Generally Discover That It Is Tough When It Comes To Sharing Authority
Step parenting usually brings its own particular problems as the new step parent finds himself or herself caught in the middle between the children and the biological parent. Exactly how much difficulty you will run into depends upon a large variety of factors, the most important of which will be the amount of co-operation you get from the biological parent and the ages of the children involved.
The best parenting advice and the key to successful step parenting lies first in clearly establishing your role with the biological parent as you will certainly have an uphill battle if the two of you are not completely in agreement from the outset. As with any changes in a relationship however you also have to appreciate that adjustments will take time and you need to adopt a 'step by step' approach. An attempt to rush things, or to force the situation, will undoubtedly lead to frustration and even conflict. The biological parent may well feel threatened by the requirement to share parenting and will have to have time to adjust and to gain confidence and trust in you as a parent to his or her children.
Next, you will clearly need to establish your position with the children, unless they are very young, will generally resent being guided by an 'outsider'. You will have to take things very slowly and understand that the children are going to need time to adjust to the situation before they accept you in the role of a parent. Once again, you will have to have the help of the biological parent in creating your relationship with the children.
Any successful transition into step parenting must begin with a clear and frank discussion with the biological parent, during which both parties need to talk freely and honestly about how they see their own role, as well as the role of the other party, and you both have to reach a clear agreement about precisely how you need to share the responsibilities of parenting. This conversation also needs to set clear boundaries but need to be flexible enough to allow for adjustment, especially in the critical first few weeks and months following the establishment of your new relationship.
This first discussion will not of course be the end of the matter and several such discussions will need to take place before a truly meaningful and lasting change in parenting responsibilities can happen.
Once you have reached agreement the next step is to bring the children on board and this must initially be led by the biological parent. At a suitable time everyone should sit down together and the biological parent has got to lead off a discussion in which the plan which you have agreed can be given to the children and discussed with them.
It is important to emphasize here that this should be a true discussion and not merely a matter of the parents 'laying down the law' to the children. It is extremely important that the children add to the conversation and that their views and thoughts on what you have agreed are listened to. Just like adults, children have to be given a feeling of control over their own lives and must feel comfortable with the situationthey find themselves in. This does not mean that the children should be given control over the situation, which should stay firmly in the parents' hands as the final decision makers within the household, but, every effort needs to be made to ensure that they understand the situation and are as happy with it as is possible.
The mere fact that the children are able to see that their parents have clearly considered the position very carefully, and agree about it, will go a long way towards stopping the children from playing the parents off against each other and the fact that they are included in the process will also assist a great deal in bringing them on board.
Coming into a household as a new step parent can be difficult for not only the step parent but also for the biological parent and for the children and all parties will need to work together slowly and take their time to build an environment in which everyone is able to live together happily. Handled with care step parenting is not as problematic as you might think.
